Discomfort as Catalyst

Almost twenty years ago the movie, Why Did I Get Married? was released followed by Why Did I Get Married Too? a few years later. These popular movies garnered a lot of attention, highlighting the complicated nature of married relationships; following the storylines of multiple couples navigating a myriad of issues including infidelity, abuse, and grief.

One beloved character of this movie franchise is Sheila, played by Jill Scott, who has one of the biggest transformations of everyone. She stands out physically as a larger woman, and is constantly humiliated in private and in public. Her initial presence on the screen draws in the viewer with her aura of sweetness, naivete and glimpses of her pain. We first feel her presence vividly with an emphasis on her size and weight on an airplane where she endures an insensitive husband and uncomfortable passengers. Discomfort for Sheila is a common theme in the Why Did I Get Married franchise.

Discomfort sometimes keeps us curious, motivated, and can even empower us. Sometimes though, discomfort can influence tolerance, disengagement, and instability. When used for our benefit, discomfort can inspire us to make better, healthier choices when we are ready. To meet ourselves in a better place literally and figuratively, sometimes we have to take our experiences with discomfort as an opportunity to transition and transform our inner and outer homes. Sheila’s story of discomfort is painful, while also inspiring the message that those who stay the course of fighting for themselves can persevere.

When Home Is Unsafe

Sheila represents the multilayered dynamics of women who have experienced abuse within their physical homes and bravely restart their lives in new environments to find peace. Sheila’s body is also a metaphor of this transformation. Sometimes our “homes,” as in our bodies, are in disarray. Carrying the stress, trauma, and negative manifestations of abusive relationships can certainly impact both homes. Survivors of abuse can exhibit characteristics such as low self-esteem, family and social isolation, economic and emotional insecurity, along with inferiority (Esteves Pereira et al., 2020).

In the first movie, Sheila’s husband tells her that she can have the rental property in a rough neighborhood, a property that they can put “bars” on. She has no value to him in her physical body and he is offering her the worst in property as well. He also takes their joint money and turns off her phone, stripping her of resources. Women experience larger economic declines with abusive relationships compared to their other relationships (Adams et al., 2024). When we are in deficit and without resources, we tend to be more vulnerable. Vulnerability though can be a source of empowerment and strength even when it doesn’t feel and seem like it.

The Power of Positive Solitude

When Sheila finally reconnects with her friends, she tells them that she has to do it on her own. When we are rebuilding and relocating literally and figuratively, there are pieces of our journey that don’t include others. Sheila needed to refocus with minimal distractions, developing a necessary part of her journey called positive solitude. Positive solitude is when a person deliberately seeks experiences that are enjoyable for them; feeling connected with themselves in a positive manner (Palgi et al., 2021). Positive solitude doesn’t mean you are alone or lonely, you can be by yourself enjoying an experience with other people around (Palgi et al., 2021).

In Sheila’s eventual reemergence, we witnessed “Jilly from Philly” as she expanded and rose to her new life. We see her as fierce and regulated; influenced by there being room to grow via a healthy, safe, and nurturing environment. Our environments can influence bold decisions, encouraging us to change them, even when we are in pain. We have the power to change our environments and sometimes that is enough to care about and change ourselves in the way we need to.

Reclaiming Space, Reclaiming Self

In the second movie, we see some ongoing struggles, but Sheila’s new attitude, demeanor, and confidence is consistent. When her second husband experiences some transitional changes of his own during this movie, Sheila was assertive, expressing her concern with him. She addresses issues head on and freely informs him that she’s not “dealing with it.” She says “I’m not the same woman I used to be. I’m not the same one that can handle the disconnect,” (Perry, 2010, 1:50:00). Sometimes moving forward looks and feels like fighting harder for our present and future instead of falling back into the familiarity of our past.

When we further examine her life, we realize that Sheila’s storyline, at least in the first movie, doesn’t technically have a home compared to everyone else. We do get a glimpse as to what home life could have been for her though. In the second movie, we come across a scene where Mike and Sheila are alone in the vacation home’s beautiful kitchen. The environment is light, airy, and open. Mike cheerfully goes down memory lane, mentioning their first apartment with green carpet and pink tile, stating that Sheila loved the kitchen and painted it orange.  She corrected him, said it was yellow, explaining remembering the hole in the wall he pushed her into. She recalls the pink tile her nose bled on, not being able to get the blood cleaned. Sheila remembered the bedroom as being “very cold,” with no light, feeling depressed there (Perry, 2010, 40:00).

Mike’s perspective is faulty, a cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are biased, faulty beliefs and perspectives we have about ourselves, others, and the world (Beck, 1976). Denial, blame, justification and minimization are types of distortions that are used by abusive men to excuse or downplay their actions. (Holtzworth-Munroe & Hutchinson, 1993).

Mike apologized, but Sheila identified him as being her past. She told him to get out of the kitchen, commanding that environment, reclaiming safety for herself.

Our physical environments can be immaculate, but what happens inside of them can supersede the display. Image isn’t enough. For instance, the physical environment where Sheila’s current husband confronts her ex husband is beautiful, but the scene is a challenge to watch due to the content.

When Beauty Masks Brokenness

While we are telling Sheila’s story, it is important to acknowledge the environmental journey of another character Patricia, who has also gone through a rough ending of her relationship by the end of the second movie. “Perfect Patty’s” beautiful physical environment escalated into a destroyed unsafe home. While in the first movie one witnesses verbal altercations between her and her husband in their home, physical violence becomes evident by the second movie. Patty isolates herself despite the destruction around her; broken glass, and charred pictures of their son. Her home is like a tomb representing her mental and emotional state.

Sheila and Patrica’s stories on the surface level are seemingly different, but there is an aura of juxtaposition as an undercurrent. Sheila’s pain is front and center for the audience while Patricia’s is a slow burn, almost perfectly hidden. How they experience pain in their physical environments is also different. In movie one, we witness Sheila in an unlocked hotel room where anyone could just walk in. In movie two, Patty literally locks herself inside her home. While these are noted differences, both women represent how our physical environments reflect our mental sense of safety and wellbeing.

When we see physical beauty in our homes, it is a reflection of ourselves in a variety of ways.  At baseline, the beauty may help us feel better. We must also not forget that what happens in these homes and our interpretations of our experiences may not match the aesthetics. Physically “cleaning up” is not enough, it is only one part of a healthy life.

Sustaining the Glow-Up

Our physical environment glow ups can be the foundation to jumpstart our journey to better overall wellness. We still have to continue to sustain it, our bodies and our psyche by being protective. Celebrate your beautiful homes, and also mentally and emotionally remember what it has taken to get there. Reflect on how your physical body reacts to this space. These are clues to where you are on your journey.

Sheila ultimately gives us a journey of hope filled with many emotional challenges and changes. We see her fight to sustain it, a reflection of her finally being able to value and care for her inner and outer home. We are just as worthy and deserving of internal and external value; we can start by using our physical environment to help guide our paths.

 

References

Adams, A., Huttunen, K., Nix, E., & Zhang, N. (2024) The Dynamics of abusive relationships, The Quarterly Journal of Economics, 139(4), 2135-2180. Retrieved from URL https://doi.org/10.1093/qje/qjae022

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.

Esteves Pereira, M., Azeredo, A., Moreira, D., Brandão, I., & Almeida, F. (2020). Personality characteristics of victims of intimate partner violence: A systematic review. Retrieved from URL https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1359178919302642?via%3Dihub

Holtzworth-Munroe, A., & Hutchinson, G. (1993). Attributing negative intent to wife behavior: The attributions of maritally violent versus nonviolent men. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 102(2), 206–211. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.102.2.206

Palgi, Y., Segel-Karpas, D., Ost Mor, S., Hoffman, Y., Shrira, A., & Bodner, E. (2021). Positive Solitude Scale: Theoretical background, development and validation. Journal of Happiness Studies, 22(5), 2159–2178. Retrieved from URL https://www.researchgate.net/publication/349544811_Positive_Solitude_Scale_Theoretical_Background_Development_and_Validation

Perry, T. (Director). (2007). Why did I get married? [Film]. Lionsgate.

Perry, T. (Director). (2010). Why did I get married too? [Film]. Lionsgate.