“Turn your pain into purpose” is a statement I had heard used many times over the years, especially in relation to navigating life after it had been disrupted by a riveting experience. While I had faced and triumphed through a great many challenges during my lifetime, nothing prepared me for the one that was waiting in the balance. I had never truly considered the magnitude of what turning pain into purpose could feel like—or the agony of the process—until it happened to me.
On the late night of Sunday, August 4, 2019, as we were preparing for bed, my husband and I received a visit from the local police and fire departments. At that time, our beloved son, Daniel Brooks Lewis—a professional firefighter—had been missing for six days, his whereabouts unknown. The officials’ visit was to inform us that he had been found deceased in another state, about five hours from where we lived. Pain, agony, confusion and a million and one questions became my constant companions for days to follow. To add insult to injury, we were told that his death was by suicide.
Seven months after Daniel’s death, I made a declaration to myself: while this tragedy would be a part of my life for the rest of my life, I would not allow it to consume me. As painful as it was to bear, I was determined not to die with my one and only child. I decided I would not only survive—I would thrive in the aftermath of his death. I committed to living an impactful, meaningful and purposeful life. At the time, I didn’t know how, what it would look like or what it would entail. I certainly had no idea that my purpose was wrapped up in my pain, waiting to be revealed.
At the time of this writing, it has been six years since my son’s passing. I wish I could tell you that once I made that declaration the journey was grandiose—but no, not at all. Participating in a Survivor of Suicide Loss support group was helpful. I also employed a paid friend, also known as my therapist. In my search for how to fulfill my desire to thrive, I became a Certified Grief Coach. I thought I had healed enough to begin living that impactful, meaningful and purposeful life I’d envisioned.
But no.
By this point, I was three years into the journey—and it was so hard. The myriad emotions—embarrassment, shame, anger, numbness, joy and sorrow; the unanswered questions; the vacillating between fantasy and reality; the brain fog; the triggers that activated my grief; and the grief bursts—all took their toll. It took me about six months to steady myself and gain clarity on what I was supposed to do moving forward. I didn’t like being in that space, but I now know it was part of the process of turning my pain into purpose. The quote attributed to Keanu Reeves, “Grief changes shape, but it never ends,” rang true for me. By that time, my grief had changed shape drastically, but it was still very present.
During that time, I also found myself searching for meaning behind the idea of living a meaningful life despite the tragedy that had shown up uninvited. I thought, There must be some meaning behind this gut-wrenching, overwhelming, unexplainable occurrence—but what could it be? In his TED podcast, How to Find Meaning After Loss, grief expert David Kessler talks about seven factors that guide the concept of meaning as it relates to grief. He explains that meaning is found in us—not in the loss. Once I embraced the idea of finding meaning in what I would do, rather than in the death of my son, I was finally able to move forward in turning my pain into purpose.
Destined to Thrive Grief Services, LLC had already been born; it was now time to nurture it. In it lies my purpose: to support adults who have experienced the death of a loved one, who are ready to move forward despite their loss but are stuck in that “Now what?” space and want some guidance. I love that I get to guide them as they move from pain to peace, heartbreak to happiness, and grief to gratitude—at their own pace—in one-on-one coaching sessions. My compassionate approach reassures my clients that while grief never disappears, they are not alone—and they can still live fulfilling, meaningful, and purposeful lives.
In addition to my coaching practice, I developed two mini-workshops. S.T.I.N.G. the Stigma of Suicide focuses on how to effectively navigate the stigma associated with suicide. The other, The ABCs of Self-Love, emphasizes the importance of practicing self-love unapologetically while navigating grief.
As a speaker, I readily share my lived grief experience with audiences seeking speakers for loss- and grief-related conferences and summits. I’m also a frequent guest on podcasts across the nation and internationally.
In 2021, I had the privilege of telling my grief story as a co-author in Prepare for Purpose – Your Invitation to the Next Level, a book collaboration I participated in with nine other phenomenal women. In 2024, I published My Suicide Grief Journey Journal & Memory Book.
While turning my pain into purpose has not been an easy feat, it has been a fulfilling one. I am often asked how and why I do what I do. The answer is easy and always the same: First, it is a key component of my own healing. Second, my story is the solution someone is looking for—or perhaps the life jacket that helps keep someone afloat. Despite the vastness of what I do and the vulnerability it sometimes entails, it is all worth it if it makes a difference in the life of just one person or family.
In doing so, I am often reminded of a quote by Dr. Caroline Leaf:
“Your purpose is not the thing you do. It is the thing that happens in others when you do what you do.”
