Grief is an experience everyone will have at one point or another in life. There is no way around it, under it, or over it. It is happening. It has happened. It will happen.
Grief is a natural response to loss or change. While most people equate loss only with physical loss by way of death, I am convinced that worldwide events like COVID have brought awareness to the fact that the losses we grieve are not only associated with death. During those times, we experienced the loss of distance, loss of time, loss of finances, loss of joy—the list goes on.
So, how do we navigate such spaces, regardless of the reason for our grief? That’s a million-dollar question, and I have a few answers that might win us a couple hundred thousand.
One thing I’ve learned about grief is that we don’t have to journey alone. Now, I know you’re probably thinking you’d rather grieve in peace, by yourself. You don’t want anyone to see your vulnerability. You don’t want to have to explain why you’re (still) grieving. You don’t want to be judged or shamed because of the way you express grief. I get it, sis, because sometimes those sniffling cries turn into pretty hefty wails… and that’s okay. You may also be thinking no one will understand, and you don’t want to be a burden.
Well, you’re right about one thing—no one will understand. We shouldn’t try to, and we definitely shouldn’t tell you we do. How can we understand an experience you don’t even understand?
Yet, just because we don’t understand you doesn’t mean we can’t support you. What it does mean is you have to be willing to receive support. What it does mean is we have to be willing to offer the support you need, instead of the support we want to give. To that end, Natasha Smith, author of Can You Just Sit With Me?: Healthy Grieving for the Losses of Life , offers responses for those asking, “How can I help?” They are: “It helps when you [the griever fills in the blank]” and “Thank you for asking how you can help [the griever names what would be helpful].” It’s really that simple, especially because asking how to help versus asking what is needed offers a much softer presence of support.
When it comes to grief support, we have to be willing to sit in moments of awkward silence and moments where grief becomes sudden laughter in the midst of tears. It means we put forth our greatest effort not to try and fix you or take away the pain, as Tim P. Van Duivendyk says in his book, The Unwanted Gift of Grief: A Ministry Approach.
If nothing else, it means the best way we can support you is with our presence, and that itself is enough.
