My family (extended family) is so toxic and the more I go to therapy and start healing, the harder they are to be around. How do I go about declining family invitations without causing more conflict and toxicity?

First, I’d like to applaud you for taking the time to work on yourself in therapy; it is a courageous thing to do! Sometimes a potential consequence of therapy is insight into unhealthy and negative family dynamics. This can create a great sense of discomfort. Discomfort gives us the opportunity to make changes, which aren’t always easy decisions.

So, to what degree do you want to decline the invitations? Do you want to completely separate yourself from family or engage in a compromise with yourself where you attend maybe some functions and not others, and/or give yourself a firm time limit on being around them?  Perhaps you declining over time may be a doable transition.

If you are wanting to decline the invitations completely, it will be helpful to understand that family may be upset, confused and/or hurt by your choice. Your absence may influence these feelings, but by communicating your choices ahead of any upcoming event, you give yourself and family the opportunity to process the decision instead of being faced with a surprise. 

You can choose to provide an explanation such as “I have been doing some self reflection and have discovered that attending family gatherings reminds me of certain things that I’m trying to work through. It is a challenge for me, and I’ve decided to take a step away.” This response doesn’t accuse anyone, but gives a hint of responsibility towards self with an explanation.

Another communication approach that may help is what I call the hamburger method. Imagine a top and bottom bun with a piece of meat in between. The top bun represents communicating the things you appreciate about your family. For instance, despite their toxicity you may love your family, have some good memories, etc. The meat represents communicating the parts of the relationship that isn’t working, including example(s) if needed. The bottom bun represents communicating a solution, compromise, and/or potential resolution. For instance, one may say “I appreciate the invitation and love y’all. Also I’ve had some uncomfortable experiences, for instance when______ happened, I felt ____. This is difficult for me but I’ve made the choice to step back from gatherings. I still want to have communication, how can we make this work? I hope you are able to understand.”

While you may clearly, respectfully and calmly express your choice, your family’s interpretation of the decision can still influence some conflict. We have control over how we communicate and choose to respond; we don’t have control over how others perceive and react to what is being said.

What may help with communication is determining with whom and how you want to inform. In some families multiple people are present, sometimes there is only one person who serves as a messenger to others. Is there a person whom you feel somewhat comfortable around that you can convey the message to?  Perhaps in person with them, and on the phone with others?  

Also consider this:  If your family does respond in a toxic and conflicting way, are you prepared to continue to set boundaries for your own wellbeing?  Sometimes when dealing with family conflict we may “fold” to keep the peace.

When setting boundaries with others it is important to refrain from engaging in long explanations of your choice. When we do this, it can make the conversation more complicated. Keeping it short can help alleviate some anxiety about effectively speaking your mind. Multiple short conversations may be more tolerable as well. Processing your thoughts and feelings after these conversations with your therapist and a trusted friend can be helpful.

If you are still in therapy, I would suggest engaging in role play to prepare for your conversation(s). Role play can provide an opportunity for you to take on the position of yourself and family to further develop some insight into how to respond. It can also give an opportunity to help you develop some empathy for yourself and them, which may positively impact a natural and compassionate way to communicate with family effectively.

I would suggest continuing to process the changes in your connections to family relationships in therapy because as issues arise with you setting boundaries, you are going to need ongoing support. There can be some feelings of grief associated with these decisions. Even when we are making a healthy choice for ourselves, it doesn’t mean it will “feel” right. Please be kind to yourself as you go through this process. Remember, you are capable of making healthy uncomfortable choices to reflect the life you want to live.