I haven’t seen my father since I was 8. I’m 42 and think it might be the reason I’m still single. I don’t trust that people are going to stay in my life so I don’t get too close. What can I do about this because I don’t want to be this way?

This question indicates some insight and self reflection on the connection between childhood experiences and relational attachment with others. This is a great starting place for healing! Experiencing abandonment at such a young age can have profound and long term impact on relationships. Negative early life experiences can shape our beliefs and perceptions of ourselves, others and the world at large. These experiences can naturally contribute to feelings like fear and anxiety, which may influence behaviors like disconnecting from others in order to protect ourselves.

Based upon this early life experience, it makes sense that it’s a challenge for you to trust people. It seems like you are recognizing that the way you have adapted to this early life experience is contributing to ongoing issues for you. 

Are there any thoughts and beliefs about self that may indicate a lack of worthiness of deserving closeness?  Are you struggling with a sense of self, for instance, believing maybe you aren’t worthy of love and connection to others? Also, it’s important to take a moment to reflect on your thoughts and feelings about being single. Do you view this as an opportunity to reflect on and improve yourself in order to be a healthy partner, or are you judging yourself because of the single status? Self judgement can exacerbate unpleasant feelings. These types of beliefs and feelings can further influence behaviors that contribute to disconnection.

There are several steps you can take regarding concerns. For one, gaining knowledge about healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relational dynamics. When you understand what’s healthy, it gives you a reference point of what to work towards, what to avoid, and what to process within yourself and in relationships.

One great resource is the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This book explores different attachment styles, how they develop, and what we can do about them. One gem from the book is the notion that in order to thrive, we need a secure based attachment.

Secure attachment looks and feels like consistency, safety, open communication, vulnerability, healthy boundaries, etc. Evaluate the relationships around you now. Do they demonstrate secure characteristics and dynamics?  If so, notice how you respond when you experience connection to them. Ask yourself, how have you maintained these relationships?

Be curious about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when you have the urge to disconnect from others. Under what circumstances does this tend to happen? Sometimes unhelpful thoughts and behaviors arise when we are stressed, triggered and uncomfortable. Our feelings are signals as well; noticing them, taking a step back, and soothing ourselves before responding to them can be key. Sometimes it’s checking in and asking yourself this question: “Am I responding out of fear and anxiety, or a clear and calm head space?” When you reflect on the answer to this question, you can better plan to respond. You can take it a step further and reframe your negative thoughts when they come. For instance, if a thought such as “I can’t do this,” arises, take a step back, breathe and reframe to “This is hard, and I am capable.”

Plan and practice responses for when you anticipate an upcoming moment of connecting with someone. We can prepare by thinking about what to do in each circumstance. If you discover that you tend to disconnect when another person is engaging more with you, how can you respond instead?  For example, you can communicate to someone your needs right now such as patience, and small steps. Communicating upfront with a person can provide you insight into how they respond to boundaries and genuine interest in getting to know you. Taking small steps that challenge discomfort is helpful!

All of these suggestions can be overwhelming to do on your own. I recommend also engaging in therapy to process life experiences and experience additional insight and support. Last but not least, be kind to yourself as you go about this journey. You have lived with this life experience for 42 years. If you give yourself grace and kindness as you heal when challenges and missteps occur, you may be less likely to give up on your efforts. You got this!