Learning Boundaries?
Did you know boundaries have power? Most of us grow up never being taught about the power of boundaries—their meaning and how to put them into practice. We move through life allowing others to cross and disrespect our boundaries without giving it a second thought. This is often evident in adult clients who show up in therapy feeling powerless. Powerless because they have been conditioned by society and family during childhood (through spoken and unspoken rules and expectations) to disregard their own boundaries.
Eventually, we enter workplaces and relationships—both with ourselves and others—disregarding our boundaries. When we set and maintain boundaries, we may experience shame, defined as ‘the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do, which makes us unworthy of connection’ (Daring Greatly by Brené Brown). This kind of internalized shame can have a debilitating impact on her overall functioning but especially our ability to learn, set and maintain boundaries.
Leaving us feeling powerless in relationships and workplaces, Black women often carry the weight of stereotypes, such as the ‘strong Black woman’ trope, which can make it difficult for them to express vulnerability or set limits. This cultural expectation can lead them to overextending themselves to meet others’ needs. Black women will learn overcommitting is necessary, saying “NO” requires explanations even when they feel drained, in order to juggle work, family obligations and social activities.
What we fail to realize is that a lack of setting boundaries has a profound negative impact on our personal lives, relationships and work. Consequently, not learning to set and maintain boundaries can have a lifelong negative impact on our self-esteem and overall emotional functioning.
The work for many adult clients in therapy is to regain their power by becoming “a healthy person who has expanded boundaries that allow them to openly interact with the surrounding world and other people while maintaining inner independence and individuality.” (The Art of Living by Erich Fromm)
What are boundaries?
Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself (which, in my opinion, is the premier resource on boundaries) describes boundaries as “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships…[these] help you stay mentally and emotionally well.” Essentially, when we don’t set and maintain boundaries, we can experience shame and guilt, and we may become disloyal to ourselves. Although, as previously mentioned, we feel disloyal and disrespectful, leading to feelings of shame. Conversely, setting boundaries has the opposite effect: it improves your relationship with yourself and others.
Why We Should Learn About Types of Boundaries
Using the term “boundaries” as a blanket statement is a disservice, as there are many different types of boundaries. These include physical, intellectual, sexual, financial, time, emotional, and material boundaries. Familiarizing yourself with the different types of boundaries is essential because it allows you to first connect with your authentic needs and then communicate those needs clearly to others. Talk about being and feeling powerful. However, because of our conditioning, when we learn more about our boundaries, shame manifests in our lives in various ways, including self-criticism, withdrawal, excessive people-pleasing, anger outbursts, and even denial, which disconnects us further from ourselves.
Let’s talk about an example: if you don’t have the time to help a family member or colleague complete a task but do it anyway, you violate your “time boundary.” When you engage in behaviors that don’t align with your values, you disregard your emotional well-being. Over time, this leads to feelings of resentment and shame in your relationships at home and at work which further isolates us from ourselves and others.
When we learn about boundaries, we can begin to set them. However, in order to truly feel powerful, we need something to ignite it. Nedra Glover Tawwab shares the following principles of building healthy boundaries. These principles act as your power-source: your compass, guidepost, foundation and value system as you move forward in maintaining boundaries. Without this power-source it’s easy to lose your way.
Here are the following principles:
- Have self-awareness and cognition. It is important to pay attention to how you feel in different situations and how it affects your well-being.
- Be resilient (the ability to remain true to your boundaries and confident in your values and needs).
- Learning to set boundaries includes learning how to say “no” in situations where it is necessary. It is an expression of self-preservation and self-respect.
- Be clear about your understanding of personal space (this will help you know when this space is being violated and how to act accordingly).
- Build supportive and healthy relationships (be ready to end unhealthy relationships; leave a job, and prioritize yourself and your peace).
How to Set and Maintain Boundaries in Your Relationships, at Work and in Personal Life
Once you feel powerful and affirmed in your principles then you can begin to use the following psychological tools to assist in setting boundaries and saying no in relationships, work and personal life.
The first tool is to develop effective communication strategies. Assertive communication is often recommended because it promotes honesty, openness, and straightforwardness in expressing feelings and thoughts. You can assert yourself without causing emotional harm to others. Remember this: Be direct and specific—clearly articulate the specific behavior you are addressing and the desired outcome.
The second tool is self-respect and respect for others, as you care about your relationships. Refrain from being judgmental and engaging in verbal aggression. Say “no” in assertive language: clearly state your boundaries with a calm and confident tone. Try this: use phrases like, ‘I appreciate your request, but I cannot take on additional work at this time.’
The third tool is identifying your own needs. Be sure to clearly express your needs and desires. Try this: use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, such as ‘I feel ___ when ___; I need ___ because ____,” instead of using blaming accusations.’
A fourth tool is the ability to listen attentively and understand others. This allows you to know their needs and for them to know yours. Try this: engage in active listening; listen to understand, not to respond or react.
A fifth tool is to reassess regularly. Evaluate your boundaries to reflect any changes in your personal or professional life. Be open to adjusting them as needed to ensure they continue to serve your well-being.
A sixth tool is empowering self-advocacy. Setting boundaries is about reclaiming one’s voice in all your relationships. For Black women, it means asserting your needs and desires, which can lead to greater confidence and a sense of agency in their lives.
The final tool is Be Prepared for Pushback. Not everyone may accept your boundaries right away, so be patient and stand your ground if challenged. If you find it challenging to set boundaries, be willing to seek support by talking to a trusted friend or a professional for guidance.
These seven psychology tools are your power-source keys meant to be practiced regularly. As you practice them, shame will likely manifest AGAIN through yourself and others being dismissive and pushing back. Working with a trained professional like a therapist is a great way to learn and practice setting and maintaining boundaries.
In the meantime, let this article serve as a resource. Additionally, remember that the practice of setting and maintaining boundaries doesn’t happen in one day; it involves a series of actionable steps that is meant to do the following:
- Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being over shame.
- Respect your relationship with yourself.
- Give high regard to your relationships with others.
- Learn to communicate and express your needs clearly.
Establishing and respecting personal boundaries is vital for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being. Remember, as Nedra Glover Tawwab wisely said, ‘The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries.’ And that is a gift worth embracing: the power of your boundaries.
