For years, I thought my problem was that people didn’t invite me to things and I would get upset. If friends got together and I wasn’t invited, I would feel deeply hurt even if I didn’t want to go. So why was I so upset?
It wasn’t just disappointment. It felt much deeper than that. Sometimes I would think about it for weeks or even months. I would replay the situation in my head, wondering why I wasn’t included. Did they not like me? Did they forget about me? Did they not want me there? Logically, it made no sense, but triggers don’t show up in the logical part of us first. They show up in the emotional part. Before I knew it, my mind was already creating stories about why I wasn’t invited and what that meant about me.
If someone said, “Glenny, we’re having a party, but I know you’re busy. We’d love to have you there if you can make it,” I was completely fine; hurt feelings, sadness, or anger. But if I wasn’t invited at all, something inside me would immediately react. For years, I thought the invitation was the problem. I was wrong.
The Trigger Was Never the Problem
One of the most important things I’ve learned in my healing journey is that a trigger is simply something that activates an old wound. The lack of an invitation wasn’t creating my pain. It was activating something that already existed inside me. The moment I realized I wasn’t invited; my mind would immediately begin assigning meaning to the situation. Without even realizing it, I started filling in the blanks with stories that felt true but weren’t necessarily facts. I would tell myself things like: “They don’t like me.” “They don’t want me there.” “I don’t belong.” “I’m not important.”
Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t reacting to the event itself. I was reacting to the meaning I attached to it. The pain wasn’t coming from not being invited. It was coming from what I believed the invitation, or lack of one, said about my worth, my belonging, and my value. That realization changed everything for me.
Where the Wound Came From
Like many emotional wounds, my abandonment wound didn’t begin with a missed invitation or a canceled date. It was shaped over time through experiences that taught me, consciously or unconsciously, that love, attention, and connection were not always consistent. Growing up, there were moments when I felt unseen, criticized, or as though I had to earn approval and affection. Later, relationship experiences reinforced those same fears. Over time, I became highly sensitive to anything that felt like rejection, exclusion, or being left behind. So, the situations triggering me as an adult were rarely about the situation itself. They were touching an older story that had been living inside me for years.
When a Canceled Date Felt Like Rejection
The same pattern showed up in my dating life. Years ago, I had plans to go on a date with a man. At the last minute, he canceled and that was it. It was a canceled date, but my reaction was much bigger than the situation. I became so hurt and upset that I immediately cut him off and never spoke to him again. At the time, I thought I was protecting myself. Now I understand something different was happening. His cancellation activated the same abandonment wound. The reason he gave me was, “something came up.” But the story I created was, “I’m not important,” “He doesn’t want me.” “I’ve been rejected.” So, without realizing it, I rejected him before he could reject me. This wasn’t the first time I had done something like that.
One thing I discovered about my abandonment wound is that it didn’t always make me cling to people. Sometimes it made me do the exact opposite. If I sensed rejection, betrayal, or the possibility of being abandoned, I could detach almost instantly. I would convince myself I didn’t care and cut people out of my life before they had the chance to hurt me. For years, I thought this made me strong. What I eventually realized was that it was another form of self-protection. If I left first, I wouldn’t have to experience being left. After a painful relationship ended, I remember removing every reminder of that chapter from my life. I changed the locks, deleted the photos, blocked the contact, and never looked back. At the time, it felt like I was simply moving on. Today, I understand there was something deeper happening. Part of me was trying to regain control after experiencing a loss I never wanted to feel again. My abandonment wound wasn’t only afraid of being left. It was also determined to make sure it never got the chance to happen twice.
Awareness Changes Everything
The biggest shift in my healing didn’t happen when the triggers disappeared. It happened when I became aware of them. Today, I still get triggered sometimes. The difference is that now I recognize what is happening. Instead of immediately reacting, I pause and ask myself: “What is this situation activating inside of me?” “Is this really about today or is this an old wound.
